Hannah is about to turn 1. Her birthday is about a week away, and I go from smiles and giggles over all her new achievements and milestones, right back to choking back the tears that she is not a baby anymore.The journey to having Hannah was an awful and amazing time. During the two years I desperately wanted to have a baby and my husband... didn't... lead me to a close time with God. I cried out, I begged, I pleaded, I bargained, until finally I surrendered. I finally said, "Okay Jesus, if I never have another baby, You are enough. I have begged you to change my heart or change my husbands heart, but you have done neither, so I get it. I will surrender my desire to You. If You don't want me to have any more babies, that's okay, You are enough." Then, wouldn't you know it, my husband's heart changed, and 5 months later, we had a glorious stick with 2 glorious lines on it. Apparently God wanted me to learn to surrender to Him, before I got the desire of my heart.
Well, then I got to bask in my pregnancy, and even though I hated being sick all the time, and man oh man did my hips AAAAAAAACHE at the end, I loved every moment of it. So much so I would stop and cry sometimes knowing that I would never experience that again. You see my husband and I agreed that 3 was enough, and after Hannah we would be officially done. So I tried to savor every kick, every squirm, every hiccup. And I did. I praised God all the live long day during my pregnancy. I wish I had done the same with the first two, but I didn't. I complained and rushed through those pregnancies, being anxious to be DONE. And now that I am really done, I miss it. I miss the feeling of a wiggly baby, or a round belly full of life. 
After Hannah was born I was through the moon excited to get to know her. But I also fought that " I will never, ever, again, feel a baby move in my belly" heartache. I would weep, and weep, mourning the lose of that stage of my life. I would pray and beg God, "Help me find joy in moving on! I don't think it's fair that women like Michelle Duggar get to keep having babies when I can't! Why did I have to have c-sections? Why did we have to be too poor to support 20 kids?" And I know, before you even say it, that's a horribly selfish prayer. Some women try and try and never have any children, and I am complaining that I only get 3? Awful, I know. But honest. And God was so sweet and tender to me during that time and He lead me down a path to see something I hadn't really considered before. Even if I had 100 babies, there would come a day when I had to stop. I would some day be too old to have babies. And even if I had 100 babies, I would STILL mourn the passing of time, and the ending of the birthing stage of my life. Whether it be now or 15 years from now, it would still happen, and it would still be hard. And I would weep then too. I didn't expect that to be as comforting as it was. I still weep every once in a while, like when Hannah got too big for the bassinet. Or she stopped fitting in my favorite outfit. And right now as I type I am crying as I remember those days gone by.
But this time has been as amazing, so how about I focus on that, right?
I nursed a baby for 1 year, in fact, I am still nursing her. Neither of us are ready to give that up yet.
Do you know how HARD I fought to nurse Hannah? It didn't go well with Serena, or Chloe, and I quit far too soon and regretted it both times. So this time, I prayed for God to bless me with an ample supply and a happy nursing baby. And I had my whole Bible study praying for it too. In fact I prayed for nursing to go well probably 100 times more often than I even prayed for the c-section to go well! And it started off terrible. And I had to supplement 1-2 feedings a day because of the PAIN in the beginning, but I didn't give up. I kept praying, kept fighting, and wouldn't you know it with the first few months we stopped bottles all together, and then by 4 months she wouldn't even take a bottle, even with my milk in it! She loves to nurse, she won't take a Binky, won't take a bottle, sometimes drinks from a sippy cup (more and more now that she's almost 1 though), but she loves to nurse. And I love to nurse. I love her sweet little hands holding my shirt. Or how she climbs on my lap and dives sideways to let me know she's hungry. Or how she would nurse until she was full and then plop her little head right on my chest as a small infant. I love that no matter how busy my day is, I HAVE to stop and cuddle with her. Thank you Jesus for being so wise as to make feeding my baby involve cuddling my baby. Did you know that 3 kids keep you busy? Like forget what day it is busy? Well, I do (now) and if I were bottle feeding Hannah I KNOW that I would use that time to get stuff done, that I wouldn't hold her as often as I should, but nursing has made me snuggle that tubby little love bug each and every time, many times a day, and I am so grateful for that.
I could make a list 1000 feet long of all the things that I am sad that she no longer does, now that she is no longer a baby, but instead I am going to make a list of all the things I love about my growing toddler, in hopes of saving my sanity. So here it goes.
I love that when she gets really happy she makes this vibrato sound in her laugh, or if she is really mad she make the same sound in her whining. It makes me smile every time.
I love that she CRACKS up at her sisters slap stick comedy.
I love that she crawls to me at full speed when she sees me from afar, or now, she takes steps to me (that is until she eats it, then she crawls).
I love that I wake up everyday to "Mama, Mama, Mama"
I love that if I am trying to ignore her in hopes that she will go back to sleep that she goes from calling "mama" to calling "Dada, Dada, Dada".
I love that she dances when she's really excited.
I love that she gets excited to see people other than me. Don't get me wrong, being her number 1 favorite is awesome, but I love that she gets excited to see her sisters, or her dad, or her grandparents. It does my heart good.
I love that she plays with toys ALL the time, and with such excitement.
I love that she says "oh wow" when she plays with toys.
I love that she leans in to get kisses from the dog, even if it's germy, it's cute.
I love that she hears us tell the dog "down" so she says "down" even though she doesn't know why.
I love that our tubby little muffin eats almost anything you give her. Even wasabi peas.
I love that when I hold her on my hip she will lean over so that her face is in my line of sight and start talking to me to get my attention.
I love that she plays with her sisters.
I love that she explores her world with such reckless abandon. She is not afraid to go under, over, around or through just about anything.
I also love that we have baby gates for the above reason.
I love that she sleeps with her butt in the air or on her back with her arms out wide.
I love that she still loves the moby.
I love that she gives me wet slobbery kisses, and even makes the "muah" sound sometimes when she kisses me.
I love that she will stop nursing to talk to me, like she had some urgent thought that couldn't wait, and then goes back to nursing.
I love that we have complete conversations in gibberish.
I love that she does things that remind me of her sisters, but yet she is such a unique little girl at the same time.
I love that she is so content to just play near me during the day, but thrives on one on one attention too.
I love watching Serena hold her, it's like looking into the past. SHE. LOOKS. SO. MUCH. LIKE. SERENA. It's like watching Serena holding Serena. I do a double take every once in a while.I love that when we finally put her crib in the girls room, Chloe will climb in to play with her, and I will have to pretend like I'm shocked it happened.
I love that soon she will be begging to sleep in one of her sisters bed's at night. And they will start by fighting over who gets to have Hannah in their bed.
I love that it will then become "Mom tell Hannah to get out of my bed!" And I will giggle and remind them of how they once fought over her.
I love that there will be three girls talking and giggling when they should be sleeping.
I love that God decided to bless us with Serena, Chloe, and Hannah. And even if I still mourn being "done" for years to come, I am still full of joy over these sweet little hearts that call our family "home".
