I could list your diagnoses, Lord knows they weren't few
But not a single one of them were every really you.
I have a darling picture, me cuddled to your legs on a sandy shore
And it breaks my heart to think of those memories,there will be no more.
My peaceful toddler face, knew what the precious word "uncle" meant
And it makes me so very sad how quickly the time went.
I saw you again, as an elementary school girl, barely eight.
And I ran around the house and yard, at a furious gate.
Games to be played, races to run, cousins to help entertain
The warmth of that house, well it almost melted the rain.
We didn't spent much time that trip, just you and I together.
But your smile was always sunny, even without matching weather.
Too much time passed, and still I grew this time at 16 sweet.
And your loving smile, you boldly gave me as a greet.
And you said, "you play ball? Well let's see how you can throw!"
And so we played catch, as far apart as we could go!
You bragged about my arm, though my aim had you everywhere
You smiled and played and laughed with me, without a single care.
And I am sad to say more time has passed, and now I am twenty-nine.
And I have no memories left to make, this side of the great divide.
Your Savior knew, your fight could not be fought anymore
And so He called you home, and opened wide the door
And Heaven is your home now, where safe you will always be
And someday when I am called, your face again I'll see.
Will you play catch with me there too? I'm sure to have better aim.
Who would have known such a memory could come from a silly game.
I love you my dear Uncle Joe.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Roller Coaster
This week has been a roller coaster. Highs and lows and sudden dips. But not really the fun kind of roller coaster.
Sunday my littlest darling was showing symptoms of a UTI...which made me want to cry for her. And any woman reading this who has ever had one is probably wincing as they read this...because ouch doesn't cover it.
So the urgent care doctor seems REALLY worried, and gave her antibiotics, and said see your PCP soon.
Okay, so Thursday rolls around and I get a call from the urgent care, the original antibiotics aren't going to work, we have to switch her to a new one. I wasn't shocked because she wasn't really as better as I thought she should be. Then they say go see your PCP, like today.
So we make an appointment and head in. I figured it would simply be a run of the mill how are the meds working kind of appointment.
But it wasn't.
The pediatrician listens to my story, looks at the results and looks worried. Never a good sign. Apparently, 4 year olds don't usually get UTI's, and when they do it's often a sign that there is something wrong with their kidneys.
Cue, me going into survival don't cry in front of my kid and freak her out mode.
The doctor wants to do a renal ultrasound and this other test called a VCUG. The second is not going to be fun, not terrible but not fun. So I ask the Dr, does the second test depend on the results of her ultrasound, and she said, "No, we need to see them both." with a very matter of fact, this needs to happen tone.
Cue deep breathes and trying to focus on facts to avoid the Niagara falls of tears that are welling up inside.
So somehow I managed to make it out of the office without tears, after all there is nothing I can do, nothing else I can know until we get those tests, which BTW will probably take 1-2 weeks to get approved by my insurance.
After her appointment we went to go pick up big sister and I stayed fact focused to avoid crying in front of both kids.
Then I had to take them home and get them fed and ready for bed.
Then I had to sit and stew on this. Oh yeah and remember this post? Turns out this could have been the beginning of her kidney issues. Nothing like a little I-know-I-shouldn't-feel-bad-about-this-but-I-am-a-mom-and I-have-to-guilt. Why didn't I bring that issue up to the doctor, why did I brush it off as a kid thing? What if she has been in pain this whole time and just not said anything? I mean that kid can handle pain like a champ. When she gets shots, she lifts her sleeve for the nurse and doesn't flinch, doesn't squirm, doesn't cry. She is really tough. SO maybe this whole time....
I shouldn't go there right? After all I still don't know if it IS kidney issues or just a random UTI.
But this waiting thing is hard. At some moments I am at peace, then a few minutes later I am choking back the tears.
So last night when the house was asleep I had a good ole cry about it. And I poured out my heart to my Lord, and I thanked Him that even though I am shocked and floored, He is not.
He is here, always.
He knew this day was going to hit me like a ton of bricks.
And He has been saturating me in His word like crazy as of late.
Praise Him for that.
Because this is too much for my worst case scenario brain to take in by itself. Praise God I am not alone. And praise God that if she does have some kind of kidney issues that we know about it. And I praise Him that she lives in modern day America where she can get medicine to make the pain and the infection stop. And I praise God that He will be holding my hand the whole time I wait, the time when I find out what is what, and forever more after.
This is just some of the scripture He has been whispering into my heart as He holds my hand, and carries me when I need to pretend I am strong in front of my girls.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
He who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
He will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Sunday my littlest darling was showing symptoms of a UTI...which made me want to cry for her. And any woman reading this who has ever had one is probably wincing as they read this...because ouch doesn't cover it.
So the urgent care doctor seems REALLY worried, and gave her antibiotics, and said see your PCP soon.
Okay, so Thursday rolls around and I get a call from the urgent care, the original antibiotics aren't going to work, we have to switch her to a new one. I wasn't shocked because she wasn't really as better as I thought she should be. Then they say go see your PCP, like today.
So we make an appointment and head in. I figured it would simply be a run of the mill how are the meds working kind of appointment.
But it wasn't.
The pediatrician listens to my story, looks at the results and looks worried. Never a good sign. Apparently, 4 year olds don't usually get UTI's, and when they do it's often a sign that there is something wrong with their kidneys.
Cue, me going into survival don't cry in front of my kid and freak her out mode.
The doctor wants to do a renal ultrasound and this other test called a VCUG. The second is not going to be fun, not terrible but not fun. So I ask the Dr, does the second test depend on the results of her ultrasound, and she said, "No, we need to see them both." with a very matter of fact, this needs to happen tone.
Cue deep breathes and trying to focus on facts to avoid the Niagara falls of tears that are welling up inside.
So somehow I managed to make it out of the office without tears, after all there is nothing I can do, nothing else I can know until we get those tests, which BTW will probably take 1-2 weeks to get approved by my insurance.
After her appointment we went to go pick up big sister and I stayed fact focused to avoid crying in front of both kids.
Then I had to take them home and get them fed and ready for bed.
Then I had to sit and stew on this. Oh yeah and remember this post? Turns out this could have been the beginning of her kidney issues. Nothing like a little I-know-I-shouldn't-feel-bad-about-this-but-I-am-a-mom-and I-have-to-guilt. Why didn't I bring that issue up to the doctor, why did I brush it off as a kid thing? What if she has been in pain this whole time and just not said anything? I mean that kid can handle pain like a champ. When she gets shots, she lifts her sleeve for the nurse and doesn't flinch, doesn't squirm, doesn't cry. She is really tough. SO maybe this whole time....
I shouldn't go there right? After all I still don't know if it IS kidney issues or just a random UTI.
But this waiting thing is hard. At some moments I am at peace, then a few minutes later I am choking back the tears.
So last night when the house was asleep I had a good ole cry about it. And I poured out my heart to my Lord, and I thanked Him that even though I am shocked and floored, He is not.
He is here, always.
He knew this day was going to hit me like a ton of bricks.
And He has been saturating me in His word like crazy as of late.
Praise Him for that.
Because this is too much for my worst case scenario brain to take in by itself. Praise God I am not alone. And praise God that if she does have some kind of kidney issues that we know about it. And I praise Him that she lives in modern day America where she can get medicine to make the pain and the infection stop. And I praise God that He will be holding my hand the whole time I wait, the time when I find out what is what, and forever more after.
This is just some of the scripture He has been whispering into my heart as He holds my hand, and carries me when I need to pretend I am strong in front of my girls.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
He who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
He will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Now that I'm 4 mom...
"Do I still have to use a carseat?"
"Can I sit up front by you?"
"Do I still have to nap?"
All which brought a smile to my face and a smirk too, as I said, yes, no, yes. Chloe thinks that being 4 has somehow entered her into some new world which was blocked off from her, just a meer 9 days ago.
But the next couple of statements about her 4-dom left me in a moment of,Oh Lord why does she have to grow?
"Ok, let's get your diaper on (She still isn't consistently dry at night, so nighttime diapers are still a must)"
" But 4 year olds don't wear diapers." (Sad kind of look on her face)
"Yes, sometimes they do at bedtime."
Really, does she already have to feel bad about something? Sometimes I miss the time before she was so self aware.
I hoisted her up in a public restroom to wash her hands, and she looked in the mirror and said "I don't like my bangs, I want to cut them off"
Even her girlie girl sister wasn't telling me how to cut her hair at 4.
And this last one, is leaving me a pms mess.
" 4 year olds don't use binkies"
I have been dreading the day we said bye bye Binky's because she loves them so much, and I was afraid of her lack of sleep, and then her causing my lack of sleep because of missing her Binky. (And YES YES YES I know all you good moms out there are already huffing about why my child still has a Binky and why I didn't take it away at 2, and yeah yeah I know. Someday I hope to grow up into a good mom like you.)
Well, once she gave me the green light we prepped for the Binky fairy, she rounded up her Binky's. We called it a Binky safari and had a good ole time. She bagged them up herself, and had me dictate a note to the Binky fairy, all with great excitement. We made a cake and had dancing time before dinner to celebrate no more Binky's, and I was thinking "SWEEEEEET I never imagined it would be this easy!"
Then as I looked at the bag of sweet brightly colored Binky's I wanted to cry. My last baby isn't a baby at all anymore. And it was one of the moments where life sucker punched me in the gut and I couldn't breathe for a minute.
Then she came downstairs about 15 minutes after saying goodnight, and she was holding her sisters hand trying to tell us how sad she was about not having a Binky anymore, and then she sat on my lap and cried, and I just wanted to cry too. And part of me wanted to hand them right back to her and watch her sweet little Binky face drift off to sleep, but I know, life must go on, and she must grow and the Binky needed to go. It's just one of those days I guess.
"Can I sit up front by you?"
"Do I still have to nap?"
All which brought a smile to my face and a smirk too, as I said, yes, no, yes. Chloe thinks that being 4 has somehow entered her into some new world which was blocked off from her, just a meer 9 days ago.
But the next couple of statements about her 4-dom left me in a moment of,Oh Lord why does she have to grow?
"Ok, let's get your diaper on (She still isn't consistently dry at night, so nighttime diapers are still a must)"
" But 4 year olds don't wear diapers." (Sad kind of look on her face)
"Yes, sometimes they do at bedtime."
Really, does she already have to feel bad about something? Sometimes I miss the time before she was so self aware.
I hoisted her up in a public restroom to wash her hands, and she looked in the mirror and said "I don't like my bangs, I want to cut them off"
Even her girlie girl sister wasn't telling me how to cut her hair at 4.
And this last one, is leaving me a pms mess.
" 4 year olds don't use binkies"
I have been dreading the day we said bye bye Binky's because she loves them so much, and I was afraid of her lack of sleep, and then her causing my lack of sleep because of missing her Binky. (And YES YES YES I know all you good moms out there are already huffing about why my child still has a Binky and why I didn't take it away at 2, and yeah yeah I know. Someday I hope to grow up into a good mom like you.)
Well, once she gave me the green light we prepped for the Binky fairy, she rounded up her Binky's. We called it a Binky safari and had a good ole time. She bagged them up herself, and had me dictate a note to the Binky fairy, all with great excitement. We made a cake and had dancing time before dinner to celebrate no more Binky's, and I was thinking "SWEEEEEET I never imagined it would be this easy!"
Then as I looked at the bag of sweet brightly colored Binky's I wanted to cry. My last baby isn't a baby at all anymore. And it was one of the moments where life sucker punched me in the gut and I couldn't breathe for a minute.
Then she came downstairs about 15 minutes after saying goodnight, and she was holding her sisters hand trying to tell us how sad she was about not having a Binky anymore, and then she sat on my lap and cried, and I just wanted to cry too. And part of me wanted to hand them right back to her and watch her sweet little Binky face drift off to sleep, but I know, life must go on, and she must grow and the Binky needed to go. It's just one of those days I guess.
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