If only I could find them on Craigs list...

New lungs that is.

I spent 6 months of 2009 on this wonderful (yet powerful and with some possible scary side-effects) drug and had no asthma symptoms for about 8 months...maybe 9.

I got kinda used to feeling normal, to not worrying about whther I had an inhaler at my side constantly. I loved not planning my day around breathing, or the lack there of.

Then Christmas time came...and so did my in law's house. Brian's family (sans Gram) all smoke in the house, and have 3 cats. The 3 cats alone in a carpeted house can knock me on my behind in far less than an hour, but add the house marinated in stale smoke, and here I am over a week later and still unable to leave my inhalers side. I have done more asthma meds in the last week than I have in the last 6 months. So a big chunk of me wants to say, no mas, I will not go to thier house any longer. But how crappy is that, "Sorry family, you make me sick, literally." "I'll just sit outside as you eat dinner."

Now, I realize that I was quite spoiled the months I was symptom free, and that's NOT notmal for me, but sigh, I was hoping it was around to stay. The fact that I have been "smoking my pipe" as my grandpa always called it (doing brething treatments) is my normal. Having to avoid stairs, and long walks, and all cats IS my normal. But I hate normal. I hate that my body is one of my biggest enemies.

I envy people who get to say "I don't like to take presciption drugs." yeah, me either, but I have no choice in the matter.I hate that I have to take more steriods than a professional baseball player.

I had a respitory therapist tell me once that most asthmatics don't complain about thier symptoms until they have lost 60% of thier air capacity. Now, I thought he was dramatic, I thoguht he was trying to put the fear of God into me. Then about a year or so ago, I was heading to the dr for a pulminary function test, and I was running late. I felt a little wheezy, but not enough to change my day. I ran across the pasking lot, carrying Chloe, in heels, dragging Serena by the arm, and into the office. There I took the test and scored about %60. The nurse looked at me with wide eyes and asked if I was "ok", and I said, "Yeah, just a little tight." It finally sank in, I had lost almost half of my lung capacity and I still ran in carrying a child, without much complaint. Long story short, my lungs are underacheivers, and I am apparently immune to it until it's dangerous.

Now if my mom is reading this she is probably ready to call me and say "Kathy, why do you even go there? WHy do you do this to yourself?" And she'd be right, it's stupid to go somewhere that makes me so sick, but avoiding life sucks. Avoiding life because my lungs will react kills me. I hated being the sick kid, and I hate even more being the sick mom. A 3 year old doesn't get why we can't go to the park today, or why I can't carry her for more than 10 feet. Serena kinda gets it, but she's had almost 8 years experience with it.

So, life will go on, eventually my lungs will stop pouting about going to Gram's house, I just wish they'd throw less tantrums than my 3 year old.

3 Years ago today

I was blessed, with a wonderful child. Chloe you are an amazing person, you brought a fresh spirit to our family with your craziness and joy. Thank you for all that you have taught me about having fun and being adventurous. Our family wouldn't be complete without you.

Better Late Than Never

I tried to write a post about my kids Christmas pageant a few weeks back, but it didn't publish, and I just figured this out, like now. It was too wonderful not to write about it, while it is still fresh in my mind, so here I am...finally.

Thank you kids of Shore Life church. Thank you for reminding me of the joy that comes from knowing that a baby in a manger was born just for me. Thank you for making me laugh by trying out out sing your cousin. Thank you for showing me that if children can get up on stage and preach the Good news than so can I. Thank you for the utter joy of watching you. Thank you for the smiles, the laughs and the tears.

Thank you Serena for sharing the word of God with a room full of people. Thank you for pushing past your nerves to shine for Jesus. Thank you, that as I watched you, I was filled with joy (and sadness) at how much you have grown. Thank you for being the most itty bitty cow ever in 2005, and a radiant angel in 2009. Thank you for being the best reason I have ever had to be the woman God made me to be. Thank you for being an everyday example of God's grace in my life. Thank you for bringing peace into our family. Thank you for being my daughter, and always forgiving my shortcomings as your mom.

Thank you Chloe for being a brave little dove, while keeping it gangsta with the backwards hat. Thank you for standing there as an innocent child with your finger in your mouth and a glimmer in your eye. Thank you for the joy you bring by just being you. As I watched you, I saw your sister 4 years ago, just as tiny, but so different. Thank you for being an instrument of God, to teach me to be patient, and flexible, and joyous. Thank you for matching the meaning of you name, and always blooming. Thank you for being born to me.

Thank you Jesus for doing such an absurd act as giving up your rights, being born in a humiliating way, and dying in complete shame, because you love me. Thank you for all the Christmas activities that remind me of you, and help me see you in the ones that don't. Help me to be as joyous as a child as I ponder your birth. Thank you for the blessings, and thank you for the troubles that hurt, but brought me closer to you. Thank you, that to you, I was worth redeeming; no matter the cost. Thank you for sharing your love through a cradle and a cross.

If only this season would last a bit longer....