Anxiety, fear, and Peace.

I am anxious.

I hate being anxious. 

I hate being anxious about my kids.

I hate being anxious about my kids safety, and whether or not the hug and kiss I gave them this morning was the last one I will give them.

I keep trying to remind myself that the odds ALONE for this happening to my children should be enough to get me to relax.

But thinking of those 20 families who lost their children on Friday, most of which are the same age as my Chloe leaves me a blubbering wreck.

When I picked Chloe up from school on Friday, I wore my sunglasses, even though it was cloudy and cold; I knew there was a fairly good chance that I would end up crying. And sure enough, as soon as her teacher unlocked the gate, and my smiling, bubbly child ran to me, I had tears forcing their way out, as I thought "20 parents won't ever get to see this again." They will never see their small child run at full speed with a gigantic backpack wobbling from side to side. They will never again get to give them a hug and ask "How was your day at school?"

How do you drop off your child at school, and never see them alive again? I can't wrap my brain around that.

When I wanted so desperately to be pregnant and wasn't, I would dream about it often, only to wake and realize it was just a dream and be reduced to tears.  How many times will those parents dream of holding their sweet child only to wake up to their horrible reality? I want to throw up.

The series our pastor is doing at church right now is on the gifts of Christ, and wouldn't you know this week just "happened" to be about peace. I am so thankful when God decides to speak through our Pastor with such a precise message.  He knew that Friday was going to be an earth shattering type of day, so He was prepping our Pastor to comfort us with God's word. The Holy Spirit was ministering to each and every one of us on Sunday. 

So this morning as I rushed home, to make sure the tears that were welling up didn't gush out in front of my kids, I dove head first into my Bible and read some wonderful passages on peace that our Pastor had spoken about yesterday. And I cried to God and I begged Him to fill me with HIS peace and take away MY anxiety. I don't want to ever be a parent who knows what it is like to lose a child. But worrying about it won't make it any less likely to happen. So I went to my Jesus, who gave me this lovely promise in His precious word:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

My heart is broken for the families in Connecticut. But I know that God is there, sheltering them in the shadow of His wings, speaking His love into their hearts, and offering them rest for their souls.

And I know that it is okay to feel the weight of this, and feel the pain of it, but why carry the burden of it alone, when Jesus has offered me rest?

I think my Bible is going to be glued to hip this week.