Family Matters

The past few weeks have seen the blessing of family.

Brian, the girls and I went to Corona to watch 2 of my nephews while their mom and dad were away for a night, and though watching 4 kids can be crazy...especially at meal time and fights over toys, it was a blessing all the same. After bath time, we sat on a large bed and read stories together, and in the pale light of lamps in the evening, I smiled and hoped my brain would remember that moment forever. My girls and 2 of my nephews smiling and enjoying the books with glee. Serena proudly reading to us from the Storybook Bible, Noah and Chloe trying to sneak a few more books in before bed. It was a precious moment.

Then last night we went to celebrate my cousin's first birthday at Pump-It-Up. Our family filled the room, laughing, climbing, racing each other. All the kids
red-cheeked and sweaty, but certainly not stopping. Chloe and Abby "driving" around with each other, and climbing bounce houses while holding hands. Serena having made yet another new friend and bounding around after her. Not to mention 2 pregnant bellies promising to grow our joyous family even more. I looked around, and I loved it, and I felt joy, pure joy.

Last week Brian and I thought our own family would be expanding. A late period brought the joy and nerves of "what if". We started imagining our life with 3 kids, being joyfully outnumbered. It would change everything, but every child always does. Then Aunt Flo graced us with her presence, and the "what-ifs" turned into "guess nots". And I still don't know how I feel about it, I guess ambivalent would be the best word. Relieved and let down, happy and sad, free and burdened with the thoughts, all at the same time. But, what I do know is that if God never blesses us with another child, my girls are enough. And if we add to our brood, then it will be a blessing too.

I always thought I'd know when I was "done", and after my miserable pregnancy with Chloe I swore that I was. But that thought of a plus sign on a stick lingers in the back of my head constantly. Is it just "the grass is always greener on the other side" kind of thing? Or do I really want this? When we were on our vacation to Sea World I thought "This is not something we could do with a baby or small toddler, I am fine with being done." But then that "what-if" brought all the thoughts of maternity clothes, and baby bottles flooding back, like a raging torrent, Washing away any "done-ness" I felt sure about before. Life is funny like that sometimes. I trust in my God to provide us with the children He planned for us, so I leave it in Hid hands to decide...I just wish He'd share His plans with me so that I could rest in them.