Roller Coaster

This week has been a roller coaster.  Highs and lows and sudden dips. But not really the fun kind of roller coaster.

Sunday my littlest darling was showing symptoms of a UTI...which made me want to cry for her.  And any woman reading this who has ever had one is probably wincing as they read this...because ouch doesn't cover it.

So the urgent care doctor seems REALLY worried, and gave her antibiotics, and said see your PCP soon.

Okay, so Thursday rolls around and I get a call from the urgent care, the original antibiotics aren't going to work, we have to switch her to a new one. I wasn't shocked because she wasn't really as better as I thought she should be. Then they say go see your PCP, like today.

So we make an appointment and head in.  I figured it would simply be a run of the mill how are the meds working kind of appointment.

But it wasn't.

The pediatrician listens to my story, looks at the results and looks worried.  Never a good sign.  Apparently, 4 year olds don't usually get UTI's, and when they do it's often a sign that there is something wrong with their kidneys.

Cue, me going into survival don't cry in front of my kid and freak her out mode.

The doctor wants to do a renal ultrasound and this other test called a VCUG.  The second is not going to be fun, not terrible but not fun.  So I ask the Dr, does the second test depend on the results of her ultrasound, and she said, "No, we need to see them both." with a very matter of fact, this needs to happen tone.

Cue deep breathes and trying to focus on facts to avoid the Niagara falls of tears that are welling up inside.

So somehow I managed to make it out of the office without tears, after all there is nothing I can do, nothing else I can know until we get those tests, which BTW will probably take 1-2 weeks to get approved by my insurance.

After her appointment we went to go pick up big sister and I stayed fact focused to avoid crying in front of both kids.

Then I had to take them home and get them fed and ready for bed.

Then I had to sit and stew on this.  Oh yeah and remember this post? Turns out this could have been the beginning of her kidney issues.  Nothing like a little I-know-I-shouldn't-feel-bad-about-this-but-I-am-a-mom-and I-have-to-guilt.  Why didn't I bring that issue up to the doctor, why did I brush it off as a kid thing? What if she has been in pain this whole time and just not said anything? I mean that kid can handle pain like a champ.  When she gets shots, she lifts her sleeve for the nurse and doesn't flinch, doesn't squirm, doesn't cry.  She is really tough. SO maybe this whole time....

I shouldn't go there right? After all I still don't know if it IS kidney issues or just a random UTI. 

But this waiting thing is hard.  At some moments I am at peace, then a few minutes later I am choking back the tears. 

So last night when the house was asleep I had a good ole cry about it.  And I poured out my heart to my Lord, and I thanked Him that even though I am shocked and floored, He is not.

He is here, always.

He knew this day was going to hit me like a ton of bricks.

And He has been saturating me in His word like crazy as of late.

Praise Him for that.

Because this is too much for my worst case scenario brain to take in by itself. Praise God I am not alone.  And praise God that if she does have some kind of kidney issues that we know about it.  And I praise Him that she lives in modern day America where she can get medicine to make the pain and the infection stop. And I praise God that He will be holding my hand the whole time I wait, the time when I find out what is what, and forever more after.

This is just some of the scripture He has been whispering into my heart as He holds my hand, and carries me when I need to pretend I am strong in front of my girls.



Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.



3 He will not let your foot slip—

He who watches over you will not slumber;  

4 indeed, He who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.



5 The LORD watches over you—

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.



7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—

He will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going  

both now and forevermore.