A post full of holes

I have this thing in my life, and I call it a thing because it's personal and shouldn't be named in a public forum for just anyone to read and talk about.  It's far too embedded in my soul to let all the world see.  BUT with it comes these feelings that kind of need an outlet, so here goes:

___________ causes me pain, not everyday but most days.  I tried for a long time to fix it by myself, but quickly learned I didn't have the power to do so.  I prayed, like Paul for God to remove the thorn from my side, to fix _________, but every time I prayed that, His answer, quietly, sweetly in my ear would be "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).  And I am grateful and sad all at the same time.  Because without my God I would be a lost soul, wandering this earth aimlessly, just as I did in my prodigal years.  But I also know my God can fix _________ if He wanted too.  It is not too big for Him, He could with a word change everything...but He doesn't.

Now I was recently looking back on my life and realized that I am the kind of soul that prefers to be stubborn and pigheaded and learn things the hard way.  Why listen to good, sound advice, or promptings from the Holy Spirit if I can experience something I shouldn't and bring onto myself a mountain of self inflicted pain? Sigh.  There were times where I KNEW I was stepping beyond God's will for me, but I had to go and know for myself, and then I came limping home begging for Him to help me fix it.  He is faithful all the time; no matter how faithLESS I am.  He brings healing to the pain I brought on myself.

And _________ started because of my sin.  Because of my pigheaded know-it-all living.  But the thing is it has stayed bad, even though my heart has been striving after Jesus for years.  I went through a period of time where I thought I would stick my fingers in the ears on my pig-head and act like I didn't know what God wanted and fix it myself.  HA, that would make everything better....right? But The Spirit kept reminding me of the messes I'd made of myself by wandering off His path, and even if I could not see where He was taking me, it was better than where I wanted to head.  So I listened, I obeyed and came to my senses and made a resolution.  A resolution to follow Him in ____________ no matter how much it hurt.  Because I would trust in His promises, not my own feelings and wisdom (HA! I use that word LOOSELY).

But the resolution doesn't stop the pain of _________, it only tells me where to go with that pain.  And I know that God is working out __________ for my good, and someday I will see it and praise Him with tears flowing like rivers from my eyes, and I will proclaim His goodness from the rooftop.  And I know this because I caught a glimpse of it the other day.  Something I thought I would never see, never be told, never feel happen.  And it was as it a piece of a black curtain was removed, all be it a small piece, but a piece none the less, and I can kind of see something bright and beautiful hiding behind it. ____________ will not hurt forever, but even if it does, yet will I praise Him.

Reading through one of my favorite books of the Bible left me with this phrase, that I cling to every time I feel my pigheadedness telling me to rush things, and try to fix it myself.  Here is the original verse, Daniel 3:16-18: "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

They faced death and would not renounce their God, they knew that whether or not He saved them, God was still God and God was still good.  So here is what I have held onto from the time I read that on "My God can fix ____________, but EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, yet will I praise Him." Just like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego I realize that ___________ is but a temporary pain, but the glory awaiting me in Heaven is eternal.  For now __________ makes me cry and cry, but I have a Savior who promised He will "wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4) And He promised me that:"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." (John 14:2)

I have faith that my God will fix ________________, that He will make me cry tears of joy when He does.  But if I die before this pain is taken away, that's okay, because I know what awaits me in Heaven; promises fulfilled.