Meanest Mother Of The Year

I accepted the award this morning, from my very angry daughter Serena.

Every morning she gets ready at a snails pace, and even though I have been waking her up 15 minutes earlier she still find some way to push everything to the last minute. All morning, all I say is "Serena, eat." "Serena EAT." "Serena eat." "Serena get dressed." over and over. I really feel like a broken record, and I don't get any time to really talk to her, because I have to push her along all morning.

This morning, I had enough. I am tired of doing half of her getting ready for her, simply because we'll be late if she doesn't.

For the first 3 or 4 months of school Serena tied her own shoes, I didn't make the bows pretty enough for her. Then she got Velcro shoes, and she would get those on for herself too. Well, now she is back to tie shoes, and she had gotten lazy about doing it, and I being frustrated that we were always running late, would simply do it for her. My mistake. I know that completely. This morning I realized I was doing us both a disservice. So I ended it.

I informed her about 20 minutes before we normally leave that she would be putting her own shoes on today. She is a capable 7 year old, and she needs to do that for herself. I told her that I loved her too much to do everything for her (I am certain she didn't get it, but I wanted to make sure she knew I was doing this out of love not anger or meanness). So after about 15 minutes of half heartedly doing it, I informed her that I really wasn't going to help her . See, she's a smart cookie and she knows that I usually jump in and do it if it takes her too long, again my bad, I know. She gave me a dirty look and said she was tired, her socks were bugging her, etc etc!

I told her that she is a big kid, and she can make these kind of decisions herself. If she wants to wear an older pair of shoes that's fine, if she wants to go to school with untied shoes, that's fine. It was her problem to solve today.

I have to say I do appreciate the fight in her, though I wish she would have fought more with her laces than me. She kept telling me how mean I was, and that I didn't care, and that I hate her. She kept tying her laces in knots (on purpose) acting like she didn't know how to tie a bow. She kept pouting. She kept sulking, but she also kept dilly dallying.

Sigh. Letting your kids face their own consequences can really suck.

I warned her that the bell would be ringing in 5 minutes (we live about 1 minute from school ,walking) so she better hurry or she would be late. She said even more nasty things to me (again the smart cookie was trying to get me to give in). I spoke to her about it never being acceptable to be disrespectful to your mother, but I didn't give in. I then warned her that it was 3 minutes until the bell rang. Now the tears started.

I again reiterated that this was a problem she had to solve herself, whatever she decided was fine, but I was not going to do it for her. She could decide to go to school with her laces untied, but then she would fall down a lot. She could wear her shoes that are too big, she could put her old beat up Velcro sneakers on, whatever. She just needed to make her decision, because she was going to be late. And when we would go to the office to get a tardy slip she could tell them she is late because she wouldn't tie her shoes.

Well, if looks could kill, even being a cat with nine lives wouldn't have saved me. Then I hear the first bell ring (that's how close we are). So I tell her, I heard the bell, you are late. She finally gets her shoes tied. Not that it took her that long. The actual tying took her about 1 minute. Like I said earlier, she is perfectly capable. Off we went then, with her scowling all the way to school. She is fortunate, her school does the flag ceremony outside, so though she was technically late, she didn't need to get a tardy slip. Part of me wishes she would have. Maybe this lesson could have been a dual lesson.

So need I say it was a rough morning? Well, it was a rough morning. I wish she understood that I had just as bad of a time making her do this. I hate to see her frustrated and crying. I kept reminding myself, discipline is love and enabling is crippling. I knew she could do it, but she didn't want to. I wish you could have seen how quickly and EASILY she tied her shoes when she finally gave in. It was almost comical. If she had simply done that 20 minutes earlier she would have been to school in time to play.

I have slowly been realizing that raising a compliant child has just as many difficulties as raising a strong willed child. If child rearing is easy, than it's not real. I have totally DIFFERENT tasks for each child. For Chloe I need to teach her what the rules are, and WHY we follow them, and give her freedom enough to keep her from feeling caged. Serena I need to teach WHY we obey the rules, not just that we obey them. She knows how to obey. She knows how to please authority figures. She needs to want to obey because it's right, not because it's whats expected. I need to teach her that she needs to do things not just to get by, but for the feeling of accomplishment when she does them herself for herself. Chloe has enough drive for a mac truck. Serena needs some of that to rub off on her. Some of Serena's calm spirit needs to rub off on Chloe.

I am hoping by time I pick Serena up from school she will have relaxed, but I am not getting my hopes up. She's a grudge keeper. Maybe that just means we'll be able to have a good talk about why I made her tie her shoes this morning? Oy. What a day already!